Just to introduce myself, I used to be an only child, and believe me that is the way I liked it.  If only I had had a few flaws.  If I could go back, I would do lots of naughty things so Mom would think cats were awful and not want any others.  As it was, I was so wonderful that she began to think about all the cats without homes, who were just as sweet as me and needed her help.

Of course, Mom was delusional.  There are no other cats as charming and lovable as me.  Instead, she began bringing home rejects that no one wanted, sickies who were constantly giving me the sniffles, and kittens.  Kittens!!  Is there anything to be said about kittens?  They smell.  They steal your food. They chase your tail and want you to get up off your pillow and play with them.  Plus, everyone is always looking past your fine feline qualities to exclaim, “Oh, how cute,” when the kittens drag toilet paper through the house or roll around pretending they need their bellies rubbed. 

Give me a break.

So now my mom is always fostering these other homeless cats and expecting me to enjoy the experience.  But honestly, I just want the good old days back when I had her all to myself.  Times when a whole bag of treats belonged to me only.  Times when she would open can after can of food to find one I liked because I had such discerning taste (no way that happens now–someone else inhales it before I can even get to the plate).  Times when I rode in the car with her, safely seat belted in, hair blowing in the wind from the air conditioning vent (now we only ride in the car when I have to see that evil human called ‘THE VET’).  Times when she zipped me into the front of her coat so I wouldn’t get cold when we walked to the car and she called me her ‘kitten burrito.’

Ah, I’d give my left whiskers to go back to those times.  I am getting to be an older cat and I don’t want to share forever.  So adopt all these cats already and give me some peace.

Yours as a former only child, Oswald P. Kitten, Esquire

Oswald in his Easter bow.

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